One Big Massive Parody
by dumbledores beard
Summary: Sick of cliches? Or perhaps you're sick of parodies too? Too bad, here's another one! Mysterious summer transformations, personality disorders, marriage, death, instant messaging, it's all here! Please read and review. Rated M just to be safe.
1. The Mysterious Summer Transformation

**Disclaimer: We own nothing.**

**Summary: Sick of clichés? Or perhaps you're sick of parodies too? Too bad, here's another one! Mysterious summer transformations, personality disorders, abortion, marriage, instant messaging, it's all here! Please Review. **

**Okay, this fic pokes fun at all the clichés that I've read over the years. This isn't done out of annoyance and I'm not being mean (I love all fanfics!), it's just a bit of fun. No offence is meant, and if I've copied anyone's work, then it is purely accidental and I offer my sincere apologies.**

**Do I even need to mention that everyone is seriously OOC? **

…

Chapter One 

The Mysterious Summer Transformation.

Hermione Granger settled herself further down into her bed with her favourite book, _Hogwarts: A History_, using her bushy hair as a pillow. It was the night before Hermione was due to start a new year at Hogwarts, and as usual her stomach bubbled with excitement at the thought of spending endless hours in the library pouring over books.

Mrs Granger strolled in, a mug of cocoa clasped in her hands. Smiling at her daughter, she set the mug down on Hermione's bedside table. She reached out and stroked Hermione's hair.

"Don't be up too late, sweety, it's already past your bedtime," said Mrs Granger, glancing at the clock which indicated that it was five o' clock in the afternoon.

"Ok mum," said Hermione, flicking a page of her precious book, which she had now read exactly 100,000 times.

Mrs Granger smiled at Hermione once more, then made to move her hand from her daughter's hair – but it wouldn't budge. It was stuck.

After a few minutes of tugging furiously, Mrs Granger admitted defeat, and Hermione, rolling her eyes, flicked her wand and instantly her mother's hand was released.

Mrs Granger muttered goodnight, even though it was still afternoon, and left, not having the heart to tell Hermione that she was in serious need of a hairdresser.

Hermione sighed contentedly, flicking yet another page of her treasured book. She glanced at the clock, which now indicated that it was ten minutes past five, and thought that she really must be getting to bed. She finished her cocoa, reached over and switched off her lamp (despite the fact that sunlight was still blasting through her bedroom window), cuddled her _Hogwarts: A History_ close to her, and was asleep within minutes.

It was within these hours during Hermione's slumber, that a mysterious transformation took place. Hermione's hair, which had been bushy all her life, suddenly, and miraculously, straightened itself, a process that with most bushy haired people could take forever.

Her chest, which had been flat packed when she had gone to sleep, suddenly grew, reducing her nightie (the one with cuddly bunnies on) to nothing but shreds. Her hips, which had been practically non-existent, suddenly shot out and curved, making her look like a giant out of proportion hourglass.

Her lips, which had been chapped and in serious need of attention, suddenly became pink and full, making her look like she had a permanent pout. Her legs grew at least five inches, and were now sticking out the other end of the bed.

But this was not all. Suddenly, Hermione's love of books and school disappeared overnight, only to be replaced with the desperate need to shag everyone in school, including Snape and Dumbledore. Hell, even Flitwick would do.

When Hermione awoke to this new transformation, the first thing she did was celebrate by putting on her most revealing outfit. Problem was, since she was a frumpy bookworm only last night, she realised that she didn't own any sexy clothing, so decided to put on her shredded nightie, charming it to fit her perfectly.

Hermione stared at her books. She snorted, muttered _incendio_ and set them on fire, including _Hogwarts: A History_, her now ex-favourite book in the world. Amazingly, a new book had appeared on her bedside table entitled: _The Karma Sutra_.

So, dressed in her new shredded outfit, covered thick in make-up and hips that would put Madame Maxime to shame, Hermione strutted downstairs (nearly tripping over her own legs, which were now so long that Hermione was nearing six-foot five), her bubbling excitement of returning to school now replaced with a desperate need to show off her new look.

…

Mrs Granger hummed to herself as she placed some bread in the toaster. Mr Granger was seated at the table, reading a newspaper. Mrs Granger heard Hermione approach, and spoke.

"Hermione, dear, would you like some – arrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!"

Mrs Granger smashed the plate she had been holding, and Mr Granger glanced up from his paper. His eyes widened. He jumped out of his seat and grabbed a rolling pin.

"Who the hell are you and what have you done with my daughter?" he asked, rolling pin swinging threateningly.

"Omg, lyke, chill daddy," said Hermione, who despite the fact that she was born and raised in Britain, had acquired an American accent overnight.

"Get out of my house, you piece of trash!" yelled Mr Granger, pointing to the door.

"Parents are so last season," said Hermione, and plonked herself down, at the kitchen table. "Give me some toast, bitch."

Mrs Granger moved forward, but Mr Ganger stopped her.

"Don't feed it, Martha, you'll just encourage it."

"W-where's my Hermione? What have you done with her?" shrieked Mrs Granger, waving a hand menacingly at Hermione.

"Okay, _mom_, let's get two things straight," said Hermione, filing her new, long nails with her wand. "Firstly, you don't own me. Parents are uncool and shouldn't be seen or heard. Secondly, don't call me Hermione. I only answer to Mia, Mya, Mione, Hermy, Hermes, Herpes, Herman, Maya, Mayonnaise, and any other totally cool derivations or abbreviations of my name. Hermione is sooooo totally uncool and totally last season. Got it?"

Mr and Mrs Granger stared at the impostor that was posing as their little Hermione and seated at their kitchen table, eating their food.

"Oh and don't bother giving me a lift to the station, cars are soooo last season," said Hermione, flicking her waist length, sleek, straight, shiny, ironed, streaked, luscious, gorgeous, blah blah blah hair over her shoulder.

Hermione untangled her legs (which took at least ten minutes), got up from the table, and headed upstairs, rummaging through her clothes. She picked up her Head Girl badge and started trying out different places to stick it. Finally deciding to pin it to her ass (note that I said 'ass' and not 'arse', because Hermione is now American), Hermione spun around, admiring herself in the mirror.

"Omg, I'm lyke, so totally hot!" she said, running her hands over her Madame Maxime hips and swinging her ironed hair. It was time to leave for Hogwarts.

Hermione picked up her diary and scribbled away.

Mission: Seduce everyone and everything in Hogwarts, burn all schoolbooks, bully all house elves, burn down library.

Smiling, she snapped the diary shut and gathered all the things she needed for school (make-up, make-up and more make-up, and her _Karma Sutra_).

Crookshanks meowed loudly from her bed, and Hermione shot him a disgusted look.

"Ewww, fat cats are soooo uncool," she said, and waved her wand, leaving Crookshanks looking like he'd just eaten a giant, hourglass shaped mouse. Hermione smiled, and completed her task by applying blusher and mascara to the struggling cat, whose head had sunk into his hips.

Finally, Hermione was ready to set off.

…

Hermione strutted down the platform towards the Hogwarts Express, her shredded nightie becoming more and more unravelled with every step she took. She spotted a clump of red hair.

"Omg, Ron!" she shouted, causing the red head to turn around and rush towards.

Hermione wasn't the only one that had faced the wrath of the Mysterious summer transformation.

Ron Weasley, despite the fact that riding around on a broom involves less exercise than using it to sweep the floor, was now muscular, causing his robes to rip in a manner not unlike the incredible hulk.

As for height, Ron now stood at an incredible seven feet tall.

"Mione? Is that really you?"

"Omg, Ron, of course its me! I'm like, totally sexy now. You like?"

Ron eyed Hermione appreciatively, a pool of drool forming at his feet. Suddenly, a boy with newly gelled hair and a lightening shaped scar sauntered over.

Harry Potter, despite the fact that he had worn glasses all his life, miraculously no longer needed them. His hair, which he had always preferred to keep messy, was now sticking up in neat spikes. Harry had always been a short boy, but that had all changed in the summer, when an amazing growth spurt overtook him, leaving him standing at six foot six inches, one inch taller than 'Mione'.

Harry didn't have muscles _like_ the incredible hulk. Harry _was_ the incredible hulk. This was partly due to the fact that Harry had spent a fair amount of time sitting on his ass, or arse, whatever, doing fuck all except looking for a small golden ball. The other cause for Harry the hulk, was his constant mood swings and the need to capitalise every angry word that came out of his mouth.

"Harry! Omg, omg, omg!" squealed Hermione, her constant use of the abbreviation for "oh my god" cutting through the air like a knife through butter.

"Mione I love you," said Ron suddenly, taking Hermione's hand. "Be my girlfriend?"

"I love you too, Mya," said Harry, extending a hand for 'Mya' to take. "I've always loved you, right from the very first moment I saw you, even though you were a bushy haired, bossy know-it-all."

"Cool!" squealed Hermione, pleased that within the timescale of five minutes, she had managed to get two males to fall in love with her.

She took Harry and Ron's hand, and together the Golden Trio, dream team, three musketeers, threesome, tripod, tricycle, triwizard, and whatever other words mean "three", made their way onto the train.

…

Harry, Ron, and 'Mione' weren't the only ones who had experienced this mysterious summer transformation.

Draco Malfoy, when he had stepped off the train at the end of last year, had hated Mudbloods, was adamant about becoming a death eater, worshipped his father, had worn his hair slicked back, and had about as many muscles as a bowtruckle.

Some of this had changed one day in the summer, when suddenly his gel disappeared, he grew at least six inches, he now hated his father and he had muscles from doing nothing except broom sitting. His skin, which had been pale since birth, was now tanned and the idea of working for old Voldy mouldy shorts now sickened him. No reason was ever found for this. The investigation continues.

Draco pulled up at King's Cross station in his brand new car, despite the fact that wizards didn't drive cars and never would. But Draco just woke up one day and decided he knew everything about muggle motors and decided to go straight out and get himself one.

Draco had also been made Head Boy. This had nothing to do with the fact that Hermione was Head Girl. It was just a coincidence. Honestly.

Draco still detested mudbloods, but that would all change later, when he would catch a glimpse of Hermione's new look and due to the fact that this is the first chapter. And we all know what first chapters do to Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger.

And this is exactly what happened.

Draco stepped into Harry's, Ron's, and 'Maya's' compartment, ready to antagonise them.

"Well, well, well," sneered Draco, pushing his brand new chin length, shiny, white-blonde hair out of his face. "Look who we have here."

"Malfoy?" said Hermione, her eyes wide with shock at Malfoy's new look.

"Hey baby," purred Malfoy. "What's your name?"

"That's Mione, you prick," spat Ron.

"Granger?" said Malfoy, his grey eyes widening.

"You like?" said Hermione, wiggling her chest.

Draco winked, and left, deciding that, despite years of prejudice, and enmity, Hermione would be his.

…

Yet again, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco weren't the only ones who had been taken over by this mysterious transformation. Over the summer, Hogwarts now accepted electricity, and within minutes of entering the Great Hall, Filch had presented every student with a laptop. When everyone was seated, Dumbledore stood up.

"Don't worry about lessons," he said cheerily, "because these laptops are more important. So forget the feast, get to your dorms, and sign on now. Last one to switch their laptop on is a rotten Hippogriff."

And before anyone could say anything, Dumbledore had rushed out of the Great Hall, laptop tucked firmly under his arm.

…

**Next Chapter: The students discover instant messaging, and Hermione receives not so shocking news from her parents.**

**Thank you for reading and please drop a review. **


	2. Instant Messaging

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours.

Sorry it took so long to get up, had problems uploading and shit. Sorry if anything hasn't displayed correctly or for any spelling mistakes, didn't have time to check through. Anyway enjoy.

Chapter two

Instant messaging.

**BooksRsooooolastseason**: Hey y'all

**DumbledoresMan**: Hey

**Gingerbreadboy**: this intetnet is wicked!

**BooksRsooooolastseason**: it's internet. Omg I'm sooooo cool. Has anyone got dumbledore's number? I'm like, sooooo into him right now. That beard is like, totally sexy

**DumbledoresMan**: …

Gingerbreadboy: … 

**DumbledoresMan**: hey, check out these porn sites

BooksRsooooolastseason: ewwwwwww porn is like, totally last season 

**Gingerbreadboy**: wicked! Let's take a look

**Mollywobbles**: Ronald Weasley, don't you dare!

**Gingerbreadboy**: …mum?

**MugglezRule**: shhh Molly, let's hear more about this porn…

**Mollywobbles**: Arthur Weasey, you pervert!

**LoverOfPimpCanes**: well, well, Arthur. Associating with muggle pornography. And I thought you could sink no lower. Now give me the name of this porn site or I'll report you to the ministry

**Narcissus**: Lucius Malfoy! If I ever hear you asking for porn sites ever again then this marriage is over!

**SlytherinPrinceKingWhatever**: mum, dad, get offline! You're crushing my reputation!

**BooksRsooooolastseason**: don't worry, SlytherinPrinceKing, I hate my parents too, they're like, sooooooooo embarrassing! Parents are like, totally pointless, agree?

**SlytherinPrinceKingWhatever**: you've hit it spot on. Wanna go out with me?

**BooksRsooooolastseason**: sure! Hey cool, I've got like, three boyfriends now! Totally wicked!

**GreasyHairedGi**t: enough of this babble! Let's get back to the porn…

**BooksRsooooolastseason**: ewww pervert! Wanna shag?

**GreasyHairedGit**: why certainly, as soon as you sign off, come to my private room

**GreasyHairedGit**: ;-)

**BooksRsooooolastseason**: yeah totally cool!

**Gingerbreadboy**: …

**DumbledoresMan**: that's just fucking sick

**GreasyHairedGit**: fifty points deducted for swearing online!

**DumbledoresMan**: attaches angry looking smiley

**GreasyHairedGit**: attaches detention

**SherbotLemonzLuver**: Now now, let us be calm, everyone. Anyone care for a

sherbet lemon?

**SherbetLemonLuver**: attaches sherbet lemon

And so, the instant messaging carried on for several days, in which most of Hogwarts ended up in the hospital wing, due to the fact that they had been staring continuously at the screen.

…

Mione sat at the Gryffindor table with Harry and Ron. An owl arrived and she pulled the letter from its beak, ripped it open and read.

Hermione 

_You're adopted. Voldemort is your father. Your surname is Zabini. You're betrothed to Draco Malfoy._

_Hope school is going well._

_Mr and Mrs Granger_

Hermione threw down her letter, swung back her ironed hair, and rushed out the Great Hall, massive hips nearly sending poor Colin Creevey flying.

"What's wrong with Mione?" asked Ron.

"Dunno," shrugged Harry, who was busy staring at Draco Malfoy.

Mione, however, had rushed into her Head Girl dorm, unable to take all the stress. It was enough to make her want a new look.

(Five minutes later)

Enter Goth!Mione, who emerged from the Head Girl Dorm, hair now dyed black with red, pink, purple, blue, green streaks, and caked in make up that was so black it looked as though she'd just been punched in the face. But Mione didn't care. A new transformation had taken place.

Her American accent had now disappeared, and a new feeling had overcome her.

Hermione was experiencing _angst_.

Crookshanks emerged as well, also with a new look. Hermione had dyed him black. Gone was the Karma Sutra, and instead a bag of razors appeared on Mione's bedside table.

Hermione rushed to the bathroom, where she wanted to have a good cry (she shared a bathroom with Malfoy, which was again, purely coincidental. Honestly).

But Draco had beaten her to it.

Draco was also experiencing angst, and Hermione found him on the bathroom floor, sobbing. He was wearing a T-shirt with a skull on it, a baseball cap, a skateboard in his hand, and trainers (or sneakers, whichever you prefer), because Draco had decided that he liked muggle clothing.

"My life is shit," he sobbed. "Everything is so wrong."

Hermione felt anger bubble inside her. How dare he try to compete with her crap life?

"At least you're not adopted," she spat.

Draco stood up.

"Yeah? Well my father beats me," said Draco, wiping his eyes. "Beat that."

"My father is actually Voldemort."

"I cut myself."

"So do I."

"Father wants me to be a death eater, but I don't want to."

"I was abused by my father, cousin, next-door neighbour, second cousin once removed and uncle. Harry hits me. Ron hits me. Crookshanks hits me. Everyone hates me."

"I want to die."

"Same here."

"So, what type of razor do you use?"

"Razor? I don't use a razor. I use a pen knife."

"Kitchen knife. Can't beat that."

"Meat cleaver."

"Chainsaw."

"Okay, you win, Granger."

"Please, call me Hermione."

"Sure thing, Hermione. Call me Draco."

"Okay Draco."

"Hermione?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you. Please, let's put all those years of hating each other's guts behind us and start afresh? Let me forget my lifelong beliefs in just two chapters. I don't care if Father beats me."

"Oh Draco!" said Hermione, throwing her arms around Draco's neck. "I love you too, despite the fact that you've antagonised me and my friends for years and called me mudblood many times!"

"Let's get married! Woo hoo!"

…

Mione tentatively walked towards Gryffindor common room, ready to announce her new love with Draco to her two best friends/boyfriends.

Harry and Ron were also experiencing angst. Harry had chains dangling from his trousers and his hair was green. He was wearing a black T-shirt with that had 'death' written across the front.

Ron had his hair in red spikes, and, despite the fact that wizards didn't know what skateboards were, he was using one around the common room like a professional.

They looked up as Mione entered, and Ron flicked his wand, causing his ramp that he had conjured for his skateboard to disappear.

"Mione!" they said, running forwards and attempting to snog her. Hermione pushed them away.

"There isn't time for this!" she said, pushing them away. "There's something you should know…"

"Mione, what happened to your clothes? Where's the sexy shredded nightie?"

"Oh shut up, Ronald. I'm engaged to Draco."

Ron's eyes widened.

"What?"

"You heard. Draco and I love each other. I'm betrothed to him. Oh, and I'm also adopted. Voldemort is my father and Blaise Zabini is my long lost brother."

Ron's mouth was hanging open. Harry however, had gritted his teeth.

"You _love_ Malfoy?" he said, his breathing becoming deep.

"Uh-oh," said Ron, glancing at Harry worryingly.

"You _love_ Malfoy?" repeated Harry, now breathing very fast.

Hermione's eyes widened as she realised what was happening.

"Harry, I – "

"YOU _LOVE_ MALFOY?" screamed Harry, his capitalisation shaking the chess set just in front of them.

Suddenly there was a rip, and Hermione and Ron looked on in horror as Harry's robes gave way, green muscles bulging from his shirt.

"Roooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!" bellowed Harry the Hulk, and in one swift movement the chess set was thrown across the room.

Ron tried to push Hermione out of the way but it was too late. Harry the Hulk grabbed her and slung her over his shoulder, and decided to go on a rampage through Hogwarts.

"Let me go!" shouted Hermione, her extra long legs dangling over Harry the Hulk's shoulder.

But Harry the Hulk was still pissed off, and suddenly decided to go all King Kong. An hour later, Hermione was stuck at the top of Hogwarts tallest tower, her blue, green, pink, purple whatever streaked hair flowing behind her.

Luckily, Draco was patrolling the grounds on his Head Boy duties, and amazingly, Harry returned back to normal when he saw him.

"Mione," said Harry, examining his now ripped 'death' T-shirt. "How can you love Malfoy? You've hated each other for years!"

Draco moved towards Hermione and put an arm round her shoulders.

"Get lost, Potter," snapped Draco, "I've loved her ever since her new look."

"Me and Draco love each other, Harry," said Hermione, holding up a mirror and applying more black make up.

"But he can't have you," said Harry.

"Why on earth not?"

"Because he's mine!" said Harry. "I've loved him for ages, despite the fact that he's my enemy. So lay off!"

Hermione crossed her arms.

"You filthy hypocrite," she snapped. "You go on about me hating Draco for years and then falling in love with him one day and you do the same thing yourself! Well you can sod off, Harry James Potter, because Draco doesn't love you!"

"Actually I do," said Draco, and slung his arm round Harry's shoulder. "Forget all those years of pure hate, I love him loads."

"Well you can't have him because I love him!" yelled Hermione. "Even though he's my best friend and it's disgusting."

"What? But you just said – "

"What about me?" asked Ron, suddenly appearing. "Doesn't anyone love me?"

"Don't be silly, Ron," snapped Hermione. "I love you too. I'm just waiting for you to propose."

"But you're betrothed to me!" said Draco.

"Yes I know," said Hermione. "But I'm also marrying Ron."

"No you're not," said Harry stepping forward. "Because I want you to be my wife, Mione. Marry me?"

"Don't you dare, Potter. Hermione belongs to me."

"No she doesn't, she's mine," yelled Ron.

"I've loved her ever since the first chapter!" said Draco.

"I've loved her forever!" shouted Ron.

"I love her even though she's my best friend and the chances of us getting together are zilch!" said Harry.

"Arrrggghhh," yelled Hermione, tearing at her streaked hair. "I'm sick of everything!

And with that, she stomped away to write in her diary.

_Dear Diary,_

I don't know what to do. I love Draco, Harry, Ron, Snape, Dumbledore, Flitwick, Hagrid, Professor Binns, Nearly-Headless-Nick, Peeves…

(Fifty pages and an hour later)

Life is so difficult. I know, I'll write to my American relatives, even though my whole family is British, and see what they think.

And so, Hermione decided to send an owl to her two American cousins to ask their advice. They told her to come visit, so she went to stay with them for a couple of weeks, even though it was the middle of term (because Hermione no longer gave a shit about school, remember?).

She returned with a tan, which clashed terribly with her gothic complexion, making her look like something out of Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.

Draco was waiting for her in the common room, and decided to take her on a romantic broom ride, where the two of them made sweet love in the Astronomy tower.

…

The next day Draco got a letter asking, or rather demanding, that he attend a death eater meeting. So he did. Whilst there, old Voldy Mouldy shorts gave Draco a task: To get Hermine Granger to fall in love with him in order to get closer to Potter so that Mouldy Voldy could defeat him.

Draco admitted that he already loved Hermione, causing his father to crucio him countless times whilst mouldy stood there laughing his naked head off.

Draco hated anyone laughing at him, and so right there and then, decided that he wanted to get one over on the Dark Lord.

Enter evil!Draco, whose new mission was to lure Hermione to the Dark side. Excited at his new plan, he returned to Hogwarts and tried to find Hermione, who was sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by razors and listening to some muggle rock band on her CD player.

"Harry and Ron have fallen out with me," she sobbed. "I don't know why. They didn't give any explanation whatsoever. After six years of solid friendship they just dumped me. Draco, I think I want to be a Death Eater."

Draco nearly jumped for joy at hearing this, and so, grabbed Hermione's hand and whisked her away to Voldy, who, despite the fact that he detested all mudbloods, decided to allow Hermione to join his ranks. This could also be due to the fact that Hermione was supposedly his long lost daughter (because at some point during his seriously evil doings, mouldy Voldy had fallen in love and produced a child).

After being accepted as a Death Eater, Hermione decided to change her name to Hermione Riddle. She didn't like it though, so thought that Hermione Zabini sounded better (because Blaise Zabini's her long lost brother, remember?).

But Hermione didn't like that either. So she settled on Hermione Riddle Zabini Granger.

But then she remembered she was marrying Malfoy, so make that Hermione Riddle Zabini Granger Malfoy.

Then she remembered that she loved Harry, even though he was her best friend who had just dumped her after six years of friendship. But she'd probably marry him aswell.

So make that Hermione Riddle Zabini Granger Malfoy Potter.

But then she remembered that she was marrying Ron.

Hermione Riddle Zabini Granger Malfoy Potter Weasley.

Then she remembered that she wanted to shag Snape, and that she might just end up marrying him too. And then there was Dumbledore…

Eventually, Hermione's surname was so long that Voldy had to add five more pieces of parchment to the 'full name' section on Hermione's Death Eater sign up sheet.

…

Next Chapter: Voldy tries to come up with a plan to destroy Harry, and Hermione gets another new look.

A/N Please review. Thanks.


	3. The Pink Power Ranger

Disclaimer: Your mother was a hamster and your father stank of elderberries. That is all.

Chapter 3

The Pink Power Ranger.

"Okay," said Mouldy Voldy, pointing his stick to a picture of Harry Potter.

"You all know who this is, and I want to destroy him. So, any suggestions on how to make him suffer?"

"Smash his glasses?" suggested Avery from the front row.

"He doesn't wear them anymore," said Hermione from the back.

"Kill the one he loves?" offered Rodolphus.

"That would be me," said Hermione, crossing her arms angrily.

"No he doesn't," said Draco, glaring at her. "He loves me. Not you."

"Why do you care who he loves? You're marrying me, remember?"

"You're marrying me too. So you shouldn't care who he loves either."

"But – "

"SILENCE!" screamed Mouldy Voldy. "This isn't a bloody soap opera! I haven't got all day! Now, does anyone have any other suggestions or am I going to have to crucio you all?"

"Chop his head off?" said McNair, showing off his axe.

"Too quick and painless. I want him to suffer. I want him to beg for death mwwwahhha aha aha aha splutter cough choke. Ahem. Anything else?"

"Beat him with my pimp cane?" said Lucius, who was watching Draco and Hermione carefully out of the corner of his eye to see if they were touching.

"Hmmmm. Too simple," said Voldy, stroking his bald head. "No, I want it to last ages. I want him to feel pain beyond anything. Come on, people, think of something!"

Silence. Voldy huffed.

"Right, well, fine then. I want a two thousand word essay on how to make Harry Potter suffer from all of you. By next meeting."

They got up to leave.

"Oh and Hermione?"

Hermione turned around.

"Please wear something more appropriate to the next meeting. I will not have my daughter walking around looking like something from a horror movie."

"Get lost, _dad_," snarled Hermione. "I'll wear what the hell I want to!"

"Don't talk to me like that, young lady," snapped Voldy, waving a white finger.

"I'll talk to you how I want, so deal with it."

"You're grounded!"

"What?!"

"I suppose you've been sleeping with _him_," said Voldy, nodding at Draco.

"She'd better not have been," snarled Lucius.

"You'd better take precautions, young lady," said Voldy. "I don't want my daughter getting preg – on second thoughts that's not a bad idea. I'd like you to get pregnant and produce an heir. A male one. It must be done. Plus, I've always wanted to be a grandad, seeing as I'm such a loving person and all…"

"Over my dead body," snarled Lucius. "I will not have my son copulating with a filthy mudblood."

"You will not disagree with me, Lucius," said Voldy.

"I am this time," said Lucius. "Because it ain't happening!"

"Come on," muttered Draco, let's apparate back to Hogwarts."

…

Hermione and Draco arrived back at Hogwarts, where they were greeted by an angry Harry and Ron.

"Where've you been, Mione?" asked Ron.

"What do you care?" snapped Hermione. "You and Harry fell out with me for no reason, remember?"

"Yeah but – "

"Save it, Ronald. I'm a Death Eater now."

"You're what?"

"I'm a Death Eater," repeated Hermione, flashing them a glimpse of the Dark Mark which resided on her arse/ass/whatever.

"But what about our marriage?"

"I'm marrying Draco first. You'll have to wait."

"Why the hell does he get priority?" butted in Harry. "You're my girlfriend, I'm the one you should be marrying!"

"No you're not," said Draco, stepping forward. "Hermione's mine, Potter. So back off!"

"But I'm your boyfriend, remember? You love me."

"So? That doesn't mean I can't marry Hermione, does it?"

"You can both fuck off because Hermione belongs to me!" said Ron.

"I'm going to my dorm, leave me alone!" snapped Hermione, rushing away and feeling this was an appropriate time to write in her diary.

_Dear Diary_

_I don't know what to do. I want to marry Draco, but Ron wants to marry me and so does Harry and I still want to marry Snape and Dumbledore and Flitwick and Hagrid and…_

(As usual, Hermione spent the next twenty minutes filling her diary with who she wanted to marry)

_I'm sick of everyone and everything. My life is crap. I'm sick of everyone arguing over me. I'm sick of daddy ordering me around and telling me to get pregnant. I'm sick of Harry and Ron for arguing over me and wanting to marry me and falling out with me for no apparent reason._

_I'm sick of this world! No one bosses me around! It's time for a new look!_

(Five minutes later)

Hermione emerged from her dorm wearing her pink power ranger outfit, and decided that the next person who messed with her would feel the wrath of her fist. Crookshanks was now a mini saber toothed tiger, and had already reduced Hermione's bed blankets to shreds. Hermione's razors had disappeared and a karate book had now appeared on her bedside table. Her trunk was full of punch bags and weight lifting equipment.

Draco entered the Heads common room to find Hermione standing there in her power ranger outfit, her arms crossed.

"So when do you want to produce this heir then?" asked Draco, moving towards her and wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"There won't be an heir," spoke Hermione through her power ranger helmet. "Because I'm not getting pregnant."

"Yes you are," snarled Draco. "Voldy wants us to give him a grandchild, so I suggest we get started now."

"Well I'm not ready," said Hermione firmly.

"Come on, Hermione," said Draco smoothly. "Why don't you slip on that sexy shredded night – "

WHACK!!!!!

"What the fuck was that for?!" yelled Draco, clutching his tanned (not pale) cheek.

"Don't mess with me!" snarled Hermione, and stormed out the dormitory.

She entered Gryffindor common room, and found Harry and Ron fighting over her.

"Mione loves me, not you!" yelled Ron, hitting Harry on the head with his skateboard (Harry and Ron were still experiencing angst, and therefore had not quite grew out of their punk stage).

"Fuck off! Maya's mine!" shouted Harry, tugging on Ron's spikey hair.

"You can have Malfoy!" cried Ron.

"Stop fighting over me, you morons," said Hermione, polishing her helmet.

"But Mione," whined Ron, "He – "

WHACK!!

"What the fuck was that for?" said Ron, rubbing his face (which was plastered in black make up).

"Hermione," began Harry, "I – "

WHACK!!

Harry too was now clutching his face and glaring at Hermione. Hermione, proud of herself for whacking her friends/boyfriends/fiancées/whatever in the face, left the common room and strutted down the halls in her power ranger outfit.

On the way back she encountered Snape.

"Miss Granger, what are you – "

WHACK!!

And Filch.

"Student out of bed! Student out of – "

WHACK!!

And Mrs Norris.

"Meeeoooowwwww!"

WHACK!!

And Dumbledore.

"Would you care for a sherbet – "

WHACK!!

That night, Hermione went to bed feeling much better.

…

Review. Or Whatever.


	4. More From The Pink Power Ranger

Disclaimer: We don't own anything. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far. On to chapter four!

Chapter Four

More from the pink power ranger.

Hermione woke up the next day feeling much better and headed into the common room, where Draco was sat listening to some muggle band on his stereo. A large bruise was visible on his face, and Hermione smirked when she saw it.

"Thanks for the bruise, bitch," snarled Draco, switching off his stereo as Hermione sat down and removed her power ranger helmet.

"Anytime," she said, running her fingers through her straight hair.

"Wedding's set for next week," said Draco.

"But Draco, I'm busy next week, I wanted to go into Hogsmeade to do some shopping."

"But there isn't a Hogsmeade weekend for at least a month!" said Draco, throwing up his arms exasperatedly.

"And your point is?"

"What about lessons? You can't just go wandering from the school!"

"Do I look like I give a shit?"

Draco stared at Hermione's power ranger outfit, and decided not to answer.

Five minutes of silence passed by. A bleep sounded from Draco's robes. He reached inside them and pulled out a mobile phone (Draco was now a big lover of muggle technology).

"What is it?" asked Hermione.

"It's a message from Pansy," said Draco. "I'm supposed to be marrying her next year, by the way. I forgot to mention – "

WHACK!!!

Draco sat up and rubbed his head, thinking it would be a good idea to get it checked after Hermione's punch.

Hermione was on her feet, her power ranger outfit shining madly from her continuous polishing.

"You bastard!" she screamed. "You can't marry Parkinslut! You're marrying me, remember?"

"Of course I remember," snapped Draco. "Get off my case, will you? I've got enough on as it is, what with being betrothed to you and then there's Potter – "

"Harry's _my_ boyfriend, not yours, so leave off him!"

"Get lost, me and Potter have loved each other for ages!"

"Yeah well you can't have him. And you can't have Ron either."

"Why the fuck would I want Weasley?" said Draco, a disgusted look on his face. "That's the most disgusting ship ever. I don't mind being paired with you, or Potter, or occasionally Snape, but Weasley? Blech!"

"And you can leave off Snape," said Hermione, shaking her pink power ranger fist. "He's mine as well. I plan to marry him someday."

"Whatever," said Draco. "Just remember to be at the wedding next week. And I need to talk to you about something after lessons."

Hermione snorted from underneath her power ranger helmet.

"Lessons? What the fuck? You don't think I actually go to lessons do you, Draco? What the hell do you take me for, some kind of bookworm?"

Draco stared at Hermione's fist, thinking that the best way to avoid being killed by a pink power ranger would be to keep it sweet.

"Of course not. Just be here at about five o' clock, okay? I have to go now, it's potions first thing."

"Give Snape a kiss from me," said Hermione.

"Love you," said Draco, leaning forwards and planting a kiss on Hermione's helmet.

"Love you too," said Hermione.

As soon as Draco had gone, Hermione decided to wander down to the kitchens to get some food.

She punched (not tickled) the pear, and the portrait opened up. Hermione entered the kitchen and snorted at the sight of all the house elves scurrying around.

"GET ME SOME FOOD YOU LITTLE SHITS!" she bellowed, causing a moment's silence to spread over the room. Once the moment of silence was over, the house elves were already queuing up with trays of food.

"Miss Granger!" squeaked Dobby. "Dobby is most – "

"Oh shut up, you stupid bat eared freak!" said Hermione, ripping open a packet of biscuits. "I haven't got time to listen to you! Get back to work!"

Dobby bowed low and scurried off. Once Hermione was stuffed, she walked through the kitchens, disturbing the house elves by flicking their ears as they tried to work. When she reached Winky, she pulled out a bottle of firewhiskey, said "here, try this, works much better than butterbeer", then laughed as Winky drank the whole bottle and began to start a fight with every elf that walked by, eventually ending up with her passing out into a giant bowl of stew (possibly dead from the amount of alcohol consumption).

After that, Hermione decided to head back to her dorm, once again feeling much better.

…

A/N Please review! Thanks!


	5. Veelas and stuff

Chapter Five 

Hermione met Draco back at the Heads common room at five o'clock, like they had arranged.

Whilst they were sitting there, Draco took this opportunity to announce that he was a veela, despite the fact that it clearly states in the books that veela are women, and that the fact that Draco has white-blond hair has no connection to this whatsoever.

There were two main problems with the fact that Draco was a veela. One, it meant that he looked like a woman, or worse still, _was _a woman, seeing as veela are women. Two, it meant that whenever Draco was pissed off, he would change into some ugly bird-like creature which would no doubt pose as a threat to his and Hermione's future marriage.

But that didn't matter. Draco and Hermione had loved each other dearly for about four chapters now.

Hermione sat next to Draco, planning her wedding to Harry/Ron/Dumbledore and the rest of Hogwarts male population.

"So after I've married you, I need to marry Harry. Then it will be Ron, then Dumbledore, then Snape," said Hermione, crossing off the names in her diary.

"Don't forget we need to produce a heir," said Draco, smirking in a very feminine, veela way.

"Not tonight," said Hermione. "I'm planning an arson attack on the library."

"Tomorrow then?"

"Nuh-huh. No can do. Tomorrow I'm going to visit my two American cousins. Then I'm going shopping to buy my mini skirt for my wedding to you. Then I've got to get my bikini for my wedding to Harry, my crotchless pants for my wedding to Ron, an all-over tan for my naked wedding to Dumbledore, then-"

"Ahem."

Hermione turned around and was disgusted to see Pansy Parkinson standing there, dressed in a very revealing outfit.

"What the fuck do you want?" snarled Hermione, flexing her muscles underneath her power ranger outfit.

"There's no way you're marrying my Drakie, he's mine. We're betrothed. So back off."

Hermione stood up, clenching her fists.

"Fuck off, Parkinslut. _I'm_ betrothed to Draco, so get lost."

"You'd better go, Pansy, she packs quite a punch," said Draco, eyeing Hermione's fist nervously.

"No way!" said Pansy. "I'm not letting that filthy, little –"

WHACK!

Draco sighed heavily as he glanced at the now unconscious Pansy.

"I'm going to change," said Hermione. "I want that _thing _out of this common room before I get back."

Draco sighed again and picked Pansy up.

"PUT HER DOWN!" yelled Hermione suddenly, causing Draco to jump and drop Pansy with a loud _thud_. "Don't you dare touch her!"

"But you told me to move her!"

"I meant use magic! Not physically touch her! I don't want my fiancé covered in slutty germs!"

And with that, Hermione stomped off to her dormitory.

…

The next day, Hermione was sat at the Gryffindor table with her two boyfriends when Dumbledore stood up to make an announcement.

"I would like to inform you that our head girl will be being re-sorted into a different house today. I can give no logical reason for this, but it has to be done. Miss Granger, would you kindly come up here?"

Hermione beamed at everyone, strutted to the front and plonked the hat onto her head.

"SLYTHERIN!" it shouted at once, earning a gasp from the other students.

"WHAT?!" bellowed Ron. "Hermione doesn't belong in Slytherin! She's a Gryffindor!"

"Try telling that to the all those fanfiction writers out there who insist on having Hermione resorted into Slytherin, despite the fact that it states firmly in the books that she's a Gryffindor," said Harry, picking at his nose chain.

"But that's mental!" said Ron, making a smiley face with his peas, carrots and roast potatoes.

"Tell me about it. You should see some of the things they write about me. I mean, Snape for fuck's sake? Blech!"

Hermione pulled the hat off her head and rushed towards Draco, who looked positively ecstatic at the fact that his future wife was in the same house as him. Suddenly a noise sounded from the front of the hall.

"Wait!" said the sorting hat. "I've changed my mind. HUFFLEPUFF!"

Hermione's face fell.

"But – "

"No wait – RAVENCLAW!"

"But – "

"No hang on, that's not right – SLYTHERIN! No – Gryffindor!"

"Oh for God's sake!" shouted Hermione. "Which one is it?"

The hat stared at her, as though contemplating something.

"Well," it said, "I thought that as you lost half of your brain cells on the night of your summer transformation, when you suddenly became a school slut with no aim in life but to shag everyone, I thought that Hufflepuff might suit you. But then I decided that Ravenclaw might be better seeing as you still have the other half of your brain cells left. But then I thought seeing as you were a Death Eater (the students gasped and Hermione pulled a quick mooney, showing off her dark mark), Slytherin might suit you. So you shall be – GRYFFSLYTHUFFINCLAW!"

…

Happy New Year to all! Please review!


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